Merry Christmyth

I blame Cadhla‘s Fannish Advent. She has people suggest fandoms to her, and writes little fanfics for them for every day up till the Second Coming. I was going to suggest Mythbusters, but then I went and did it myself. I’m not going to keep this up, though. Go Seanan!

MERRY CHRISTMYTH

A Mythbusters Christmas Carol


Adam grinned like he would split at the ears. He pulled the reins, and the bells tingled. He looked up at Jamie, and nodded. The tip of his red-and-white pointy hat fell over his face, and he shook it back with a toss of the head.

“Ready! Let’s do this!”

“Right,” said Jamie.

“I’m gonna fly in a sleigh, man! I love my job.”

Jamie took a final walk along the contraption. They really had outdone themselves on this build. Nine jet engines, painted brown, lashed to the sleigh. Antlers were attached to the front of each of them, and of course, the central cone of the first jet engine, a nine-thousand-pounds-of-thrust beast called ‘Rudolph’ was painted a bright red. Jamie did the round past the engines, and one by one they sprang to life.

“Dasher… running!”

“Check.”

Ye gods, the things you find on Youtube these days. Viral videos were going to keep Mythbusters in the money for years to come.

“Vixen… running. Throttle back a bit.”

“Throttle back.”

Jamie briefly glanced out over the runway. The familiar ‘what the heck are we doing‘ twinge passed up his back and set his teeth on edge. This was going to be spectactular.

“Comet… running!”


“Tory? Are you stuck?” Kari kneeled in front of the fireplace, and stuck her head in, trying not to get any soot on her hair, currently a bright orange.

“‘m Alright,” came the muffled words from somewhere halfway up the chimney.

“Well keep going!”

“Ten minutes, forty-two seconds,” said Grant, looking at the stopwatch. “If he’s going to do everybody tonight, he’d better hurry up.”

Kari banged on the mantelpiece with her fist. “Hurry up!”

“Next time, you‘re doing this.”

“I wouldn’t fit even before the baby,” said Kari, with a big grin.

“Just got another five inches.”

Grant shook his head. “This’ll take at least another ten minutes. And he has to get back up again afterwards. Five seconds to drink the sherry… No way he’ll be able to do all the kids in one night.”

“Should’ve used more lard,” said Tory.

“Gross!”


The old, heavy, nine-thousand-pounds-thrust jet engine coughed, sputtered into life, then roared in a deep voice of an enraged creature of the Deep, looking for blood.

“Rudolph running! Here we go!”

Jamie ran behind the lexane safety glass, and watched as Adam pulled the reins.

“Ho ho HO!” shouted Adam. The nine engines roared in unison, and in a great spray of ice, Adam’s sleigh zoomed off into the distance. Jamie blinked, and looked over his shoulder at the cameraman.

“Did we get that on high-speed?”

Adam shook his head, and looked round. The engines had cut off, just like Jamie said they would. Safety first. He sat up, and on unsteady feet wobbled back. Jamie and the crew came running up.

“That was great!”

“We didn’t get much lift-off, though. Just two feet or so.”

“Maybe not, but I’m not ready to call this one busted just yet. We’re just missing that initial bit of upwards thrust.”

Jamie’s eyes misted over. “Well, when in doubt…”

Adam laughed, and slapped Jamie’s shoulder.

“C-4!”


Once he got his shoulders free, the rest was easy. With some assistance from Grant and Kari, he wriggled out of the chimney and onto the floor.

“How about that sherry?”

Kari beamed at him. “Drank it. Sorry. You can have some mince pies, though. Wouldn’t touch the things.”

“You drank Santa’s sherry? Do you expect any presents this year?”

“And I ate the carrots,” said Kari. “It’s not like we have a real reindeer up there.”

“I’ll never get back up there if I eat any mince pies. How long?”

Grant held up the stopwatch for all to see.

“Twenty one-minutes and ten… eleven… twelve…”

Kari looked at him with large eyes. “You’re going back up there?”

Tory reached for the bucket and started slathering lard onto himself in copious amounts. He made a move to smear some on Kari’s nose, but Kari was too quick for him and sprang back like a deer.

“There’s no dignity in television,” said Tory. “Here goes!”


Retired FBI agent Frank Doyle scratched his head, as Jamie and Adam were prepping the sleigh. The small addition was a generous amount of plastique underneath the sleigh. He was a regular guest on the program, called in whenever Mr. Hyneman wanted a bigger boom than was legal under the jurisdiction of San Francisco, California. He’d blown up plenty of things for this bunch of loonies: Cement trucks, a safe, a train station mock-up, and on one memorable occasion, a twenty foot long polystyrene shark. Privately, he thought that this one probably took the cake for sheer insanity. Still, it wasn’t his ass that was gonna be blown into the next county. He watched with interest as Mr. Hyneman started the jet engines, then waved at Mr. Savage and joined him behind the safety glass.

“Jet engine sleigh ride, with extra booster charge for lift. Heads up folks! Take it away Frank!”

Well, it’d been nice knowing young Adam, thought Frank.

“Fire in the hole!”


With a final wrench, Tory finally managed to raise his head above the opening of the chimney.

“I’m up,” he was going to say, but he didn’t. Instead he screamed. In a ball of fire, dressed in flaming crimson, Adam stood straight upright on his burning sleigh, being pulled along by nine roaring jet engines, hurtling towards Tory. Tory closed his eyes and dropped back down in to the chimney.

“HO HO HO, MOTHERF-CKERS!”

Down came three brightly wrapped packages that dropped neatly down the chimney, onto Tory’s head, containing upon later inspection a servo control system for a robot, a Vegetarian cookbook (“Two thousand delicious recipes with tofu”), and a super deluxe first aid kit containing plasters, pressenings, slings, scissors, painkillers, and enough hydrophile gauze to make a hospital jealous.

“Did he say he was up? How long?”

Grant pressed the button on the stop watch. “Sixty-seven minutes twenty-three. I suppose up is more difficult than down.”

“Ya I reckon. This doesn’t look good for the myth does it?”

“No way you’re going to do millions of kids if it takes you one hour to get up and down the chimney.”

Kari gave a little nod. “So. Busted?”

“Busted,” said Grant.

“Busted,” came Tory’s muffled voice from inside the chimney. “Can someone get me out of here now?”

Jamie stood behind the sooty blast scree, and stared in the distance, at a slowly disappearing ball of fire. A little grin, mostly hidden behind the trademark walrus moustache, was on his face. Being a scientist at heart, he loved it if his initial instincts were proven wrong by events. Science isn’t about being right, it’s about becoming more and more right as you go along.

“Gosh darn it,” he said. “Myth confirmed.”

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